How Depressing

Over the past week or so, two "celebrities" have taken their own lives. It's shocking. It's heartbreaking. It's depressing. 

With their passing, the topic again of depression is front and center. For many years, and perhaps still, to talk about or admit a struggle with depression was/is akin to saying you are crazy or weak. 

As noted in an earlier blog post, I do struggle with depression. I have learned there are many reasons people are depressed: heredity, choices, loss, disappointment, and etc. Seems like while there is the broad term of "depression," each person's story of depression is unique.

My story with depression begins in my first fulltime job in ministry. In 1994, Sal and I went to Juneau, Alaska to work at Echo Ranch Bible Camp (ERBC). It is at ERBC that I learned of my passion and gifting to work with youth. In hindsight, it is also the place where I began my struggle with a messiah complex. A messiah complex is the idea or belief that you can "save" everyone or "fix" most any situation.

Little did I know, not only are there people who don't want saving and situations I can't fix, but being the messiah (savior) also isn't my job. I had to learn this the hard way. I found myself frustrated, burned out and depressed. I loved being around people and yet I was afraid and avoided social situations. I would cry and lay in my bed. The event that caused me to ask for help was my obsession and planning to taking my own life. I felt like I was going crazy. I needed someone I could trust to tell about all these feelings. I decided my doctor was that person. 

My doctor had me take a depression test. I scored very well, lol. He suggested two things: 1- that I visit a counselor and 2- that I start taking Prozac. I really didn't want to do either because it would mean I was crazy, but I hated even more how I was feeling. My doctor also told me something about taking the antidepressant (Prozac) that I have never forgotten- the medicine is intended to give you the strength to make new choices, not just continue making the choices that got you in this situation. I don't take Prozac anymore. It was effective in taking away the lows, but I also lost the highs. I do take a different daily antidepressant that allows me to feel some of both. I thought that someday I would be able to quit the meds. Sally says that for her sake and my family, I have to keep taking it. I trust her, so I do. 

I also continue to see a counselor. I'm ok with the fact that I'm crazy. In fact, over time I've learned that everyone is a little crazy. I just happen to get some help to deal with my crazy. Sometimes I go weekly, sometimes monthly and sometimes it will be years between visits.

I was spurred to write about my struggles by an article in USA TODAY (follow the link to read). In it, the writer searches for answers to "successful" people taking their own lives. Without finding her hope in God, she questions if our culture is feeding us a lie.

Unless God takes my depression away, I plan to take my meds every day until I die. There are choices I made in Alaska trying to "save" everyone that I will have to continue to live with. I have learned that there really is a Savior. It's not me and He is the Messiah our world needs. He is the Messiah I need...today. John 1:16 says that Christ has an infinite warehouse of grace available for my problems, my needs, my short coming, my sin...today and every day. He wants to provide that to you too. 

If you are depressed, talk to someone you trust. You are not the only one. We all struggle. We all need help. Your parents, your pastor, your doctor all want to help. Please.